The Parent, Adult & Child within us
In my first year studying be a counselling psychologist & psychotherapist in 2004, one of the most influential & accessible theories that I learnt about was Parent, Adult & Child ego states (Eric Berne). As I still refer to them in my own life & in my work as a therapist today, I am going to briefly describe them & how they can be helpful.
What are ego states?
Ego states are distinct ways of thinking, feeling & behaving that we all experience in any given moment.
Parent ego state – this refers to different patterns of thoughts, feelings & behaviour that we copied, learned or borrowed as children from parents or other authority figures such as teachers or wider family members. They are generally thought of as either nurturing or critical depending on the experience which formed them. For example, a parent responding critically when we do something wrong as a child becomes how we respond to a failure as an adult.
Adult ego state – this is characterised by logical & objective thinking in the present moment. It is a rational process without unconscious interference or influence from our Parent & Child ego states. For example, we can focus on completing a puzzle without being distracted by negative thoughts focussed on the past.
Child ego state – this is how, as an adult, we replay how we thought, felt & acted in a particular circumstance when we were a child. This can be spontaneous & free, for example finding joy in creating something. Or might represent how we had to adapt to or survive a certain situation (or repeated situations) as a child; for example, having a strong reaction when our manager criticises us in a work situation as an adult because it brings back memories of feeling shamed as a child.
How can knowing about our own ego states be helpful?
Perhaps we can all aim to live mindfully in the present moment responding to people & our experiences from an Adult ego state without reference to the past.
However, most of us will need to do some internal exploration to find out how we’re getting triggered into unconscious patterns associated with Child or Parent ego states. In many cases, noticing that something from the past is being replayed in the present is what brings people to therapy as they find that their thinking, feeling or behaviour patterns are causing them distress or difficulties.
Self-awareness – starting to understand their personal ego states can help people become more aware of their own reactions & behaviours in certain situations
Changing patterns – over time, with help from a therapist, a person can understand the origins of their reactions, explore any associated feelings & start to practise reacting differently. This allows choice & freedom as they have more understanding & control over how they are reacting in certain situation
Improving communication – as well as learning how to respond internally to themselves more compassionately, an increased self-awareness will allow a person to improve their own communication & potentially resolve conflicts where they or others are operating from a particular ego state
Trauma resolution & emotional regulation – understanding their own ego states can also help a person understand & integrate the emotional responses associated with certain experiences. It is possible to process ‘stuck’ ego states, which are outdated or dysfunctional emotional states that may be hindering their current functioning. This leads to better emotional regulation & resilience
In short, the process of identifying, understanding & working with ego states can lead to significant personal transformation & healing
If you’re interested in knowing more & starting to work on your own ego states in therapy, please contact me on
